• Life

    Spring has arrived and I am a mess

    I am a mess. I’m fat, frustrated, probably a little depressed, and 100% lost in life. I’ve been back in California for almost two months now and things are not going as I had planned. Worse than that it seems like all the progress and promises I made on myself and to myself have gone out the window. When I left Hawaii, I still had a lot of work to do on myself to get to who I want to be and where I want to be, but I also felt like I had made a lot of progress and somewhat mapped out and set myself on a pretty clear…

  • Life

    My First Month Back in California

    Today marks exactly one month back in California for m and I must admit, this has not been the homecoming I had been dreaming of. It barely feels like I have been home that long, yet, at the same time it feels like I haven’t lived in Hawaii for years. I had big dreams coming home. Originally my husband and I had major road trip plans. We wanted to spend weeks on the road, living out of our car and exploring places like Joshua Tree and Zion. After my mom’s stroke, I knew that probably wouldn’t happen, but still I dreamed of days filled with hikes, friends, and fun. Instead…

  • Life

    Phone Calls

    I just want to pick up the phone and give you a call. I want to tell you about how bored I am today. I want to tell you about the bad dreams I’ve been having. I want to tell you about the new restaurant I tried last weekend and all the things I have planned this weekend. I want to tell you about how stressful this move is. I want to tell you how hard everything has been lately. I just want to talk to you. After my dad passed away my mom and I had a pretty strained relationship. It wasn’t until she moved to Utah that things…

  • Life

    Looking back at 2018

    This year has been a crazy roller coaster ride, filled with unexpected ups and downs and, just like a roller coaster, it’s leaving me at pretty much the exact same spot I got on, just a little shaken, beaten and bruised. I don’t regret this roller coaster of a year, it taught me a lot, allowed me to experience so many new things, and, for the most part, changed me for the better. I don’t regret this roller coaster year, but it’s not one I would like to ride ever again. This time last year I had just been laid off from my job of nearly two years. The lay…

  • Life

    My Weight and 30 Day Challenges

    I am currently the heaviest I have ever been and even though I know I haven’t been doing everything I can to fix it, I haven’t been taking it well. This isn’t a completely new development either. Although I’m not overweight and never have been, I have struggled with and at times even obsessed over my weight; never happy with how I looked for most of my life. My current weight “issue” is one I’ve had since I arrived here in Hawaii. Between the time I left California and arrived in Hawaii, I put on nearly 20 lbs and I haven’t been able to shake it. I’d get serious and…

  • Life

    Moving to Oahu

    September 25, 2015 I got on a plane in LAX headed for Honolulu. The previous months had consisted of a lot of couch surfing, living with different friends and family, and a two month stay in Utah. I had less than $3,000, an Airbnb studio apartment covered for a month, no job, and pretty much no plan. I had spent my entire life living in California. Despite having graduated from college in May of 2014, I still had not worked a “real” job and with the exception of my adventures in couch surfing, I had never lived on my own. I had never been on a plane and the farthest…

  • Life

    Time to Jump

    In the months prior to me moving to Hawaii, I started having this vision or day dream or dream…I’m not really sure waht I’d call it, but this scene was in my head constantly. Here’s the scene: It was me, standing on the edge of a rock or a cliff or a waterfall. It was always something high and above a body of water. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, take one step back and then I would jump. The thing with these, I’ll call them visions, was they always stopped at different moments. Sometimes after I would hit the water. Sometimes right after I stepped off…

  • Life

    What the F**K am I doing?

    That is a very good question and I honestly wish I had the answer. I’ve always been a writer. I have always loved writing stories and poems. I’ve always had a love affair with words. I obsess over song lyrics and movie dialogue. I also love photography and videography. I love telling stories and creating things, but I’ve never given myself the opportunity to fully pursue those passions. That is until now. In college I studied both photography and journalism, but ultimately abandoned them for what I thought was a more clear career path. I’ve always dreamed of writing a book, but I’ve never gotten beyond short stories. I’ve had…