• Life

    4th of July

    Now when I answer the occasional Facebook survey or someone asks me, "What's your favorite holiday?" I'll usually give them the traditional Christmas answer, but when I really think about it, the 4th of July has always given me so much more excitement and joy then most other holidays. And although I know that I have better memories, for some reason, when I think about the 4th, I find a lot of reasons to smile.

  • Life

    Summer is here and I’m working on it

    As I predicted at the end of my spring post, I am still a mess. In some ways I'm still the same mess and in other ways I am a new mess. I'm still working on many of the same things I was three months ago, but have fixed many of them and made progress on others. I'm still a mess, but as I hoped, I am a slightly happier mess.

  • Life

    10 Years

    This Tuesday (6/11) marks the 10 year anniversary of my high school graduation. The ending of one chapter and the start of a new. For everyone, their high school graduation means change and new beginnings. It's one of the many stepping stones into adulthood. For me it marked the beginning of the end in many ways, and that sounds much more dramatic than I intended, but I can't think of a better way to say it. This wasn't just the closing of my childhood chapter and beginning of my adulthood one, it was the first nail in the door to my childhood. Before the calendar year would end my life…

  • Life

    Spring has arrived and I am a mess

    I am a mess. I’m fat, frustrated, probably a little depressed, and 100% lost in life. I’ve been back in California for almost two months now and things are not going as I had planned. Worse than that it seems like all the progress and promises I made on myself and to myself have gone out the window. When I left Hawaii, I still had a lot of work to do on myself to get to who I want to be and where I want to be, but I also felt like I had made a lot of progress and somewhat mapped out and set myself on a pretty clear…

  • Life

    My First Month Back in California

    Today marks exactly one month back in California for m and I must admit, this has not been the homecoming I had been dreaming of. It barely feels like I have been home that long, yet, at the same time it feels like I haven’t lived in Hawaii for years. I had big dreams coming home. Originally my husband and I had major road trip plans. We wanted to spend weeks on the road, living out of our car and exploring places like Joshua Tree and Zion. After my mom’s stroke, I knew that probably wouldn’t happen, but still I dreamed of days filled with hikes, friends, and fun. Instead…

  • Life

    Phone Calls

    I just want to pick up the phone and give you a call. I want to tell you about how bored I am today. I want to tell you about the bad dreams I’ve been having. I want to tell you about the new restaurant I tried last weekend and all the things I have planned this weekend. I want to tell you about how stressful this move is. I want to tell you how hard everything has been lately. I just want to talk to you. After my dad passed away my mom and I had a pretty strained relationship. It wasn’t until she moved to Utah that things…

  • Life

    Looking back at 2018

    This year has been a crazy roller coaster ride, filled with unexpected ups and downs and, just like a roller coaster, it’s leaving me at pretty much the exact same spot I got on, just a little shaken, beaten and bruised. I don’t regret this roller coaster of a year, it taught me a lot, allowed me to experience so many new things, and, for the most part, changed me for the better. I don’t regret this roller coaster year, but it’s not one I would like to ride ever again. This time last year I had just been laid off from my job of nearly two years. The lay…

  • Life

    My Weight and 30 Day Challenges

    I am currently the heaviest I have ever been and even though I know I haven’t been doing everything I can to fix it, I haven’t been taking it well. This isn’t a completely new development either. Although I’m not overweight and never have been, I have struggled with and at times even obsessed over my weight; never happy with how I looked for most of my life. My current weight “issue” is one I’ve had since I arrived here in Hawaii. Between the time I left California and arrived in Hawaii, I put on nearly 20 lbs and I haven’t been able to shake it. I’d get serious and…

  • Life

    Moving to Oahu

    September 25, 2015 I got on a plane in LAX headed for Honolulu. The previous months had consisted of a lot of couch surfing, living with different friends and family, and a two month stay in Utah. I had less than $3,000, an Airbnb studio apartment covered for a month, no job, and pretty much no plan. I had spent my entire life living in California. Despite having graduated from college in May of 2014, I still had not worked a “real” job and with the exception of my adventures in couch surfing, I had never lived on my own. I had never been on a plane and the farthest…

  • Life

    Time to Jump

    In the months prior to me moving to Hawaii, I started having this vision or day dream or dream…I’m not really sure waht I’d call it, but this scene was in my head constantly. Here’s the scene: It was me, standing on the edge of a rock or a cliff or a waterfall. It was always something high and above a body of water. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, take one step back and then I would jump. The thing with these, I’ll call them visions, was they always stopped at different moments. Sometimes after I would hit the water. Sometimes right after I stepped off…