Spring has arrived and I am a mess

I am a mess. I’m fat, frustrated, probably a little depressed, and 100% lost in life. I’ve been back in California for almost two months now and things are not going as I had planned. Worse than that it seems like all the progress and promises I made on myself and to myself have gone out the window.

When I left Hawaii, I still had a lot of work to do on myself to get to who I want to be and where I want to be, but I also felt like I had made a lot of progress and somewhat mapped out and set myself on a pretty clear path. Since moving back to California, I, for the most part, have lost all focus and direction.

I been aware of this for a while and I have been trying to drag myself out of this rut for weeks now but nothing seems to be working. I still go to bed way too early, sleep in way too late, and waste what time I do have in the day for myself worrying about what I’m not getting done rather than getting it done. I’ve reverted back to not writing, avoiding sharing my thoughts and feelings, and putting everyone else’s needs before my own. My anxiety has gotten so out of control, for the first time this month I had someone on the outside recognize my struggle. I eat way too much junk and can’t even seem to put aside 20 minutes to work out. I even stopped walking my dog every morning. (She was injured for two weeks and I used that as an excuse, but I had this problem both before and after she got hurt.) I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds on top of the 10 I was working to lose in Hawaii, my face is breaking out and my hair is starting to thin.

I am a mess.

I am a mess and I know exactly how I got here. Exactly what old habit got its hands on me and drug me down here. It’s my desire to fix everything. That’s what I do and that’s what I’ve always done. Whenever something goes wrong and someone has a problem I figure out a way to fix it, make whatever is wrong right and whatever problem they have go away. Right now it feels like there is so much wrong and so many problems, that I can’t fix and I can’t make go away. So much is out of my control and I am aware of that, but I can’t shake the need to fix it. Also, I know some of the problems are things I can work on and potentially fix. My unemployment, my lack of a home to call my own; these and other things are not things I can control, but they are things that I can work on and my messed up brain tells me that since I can work on these things they are all I should be working on and that is what has made me so frustrated and ultimately unhealthy and unhappy.

Even though I know it’s unhealthy, with so much going wrong right now for me and my family, I feel as if I need to be focusing all my energy on fixing whatever it is I can. And I am overcome with a strong sense of guilt anytime I start to work on anything else, even if those things, like working out and this blog, are good for me in other ways.

I know I need to make time for myself. I know I need to take care of myself, both mentally and physically for anything to get better. I know that things like writing and socializing and showering are important to my overall sense of self and well being, I’ve just been struggling to take action.

I am a mess.

I am a mess and I’m hoping by putting this out in the world, making a promise here and now that I will get better and I will work harder, will push me to actually do better and work harder.

It’s the first day of spring and just like any other first days (first day at school/work, first day of the year, first day of the month, first day of the week) it’s a chance for new beginnings. So starting today here are the promises I am making to myself.

I will…

  • Start working out regularly, at least 3-4 times a week (considering doing another 30 day hula hoop challenge)
  • Start walking again, at least 5 times a week
  • Post something new here, on this blog once a week, at a minimum
  • Read one book a month, starting in April
  • Start making my own personal needs a priority
  • Start believing in myself and my own personal projects again…at least trying, we all know my self-esteem has a long way to go

Spring has arrived and by the time summer shows up, I’m still probably going to be a mess, but hopefully, I’ll be a happier more productive less of a mess.


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