• Life

    Spring has arrived and I am a mess

    I am a mess. I’m fat, frustrated, probably a little depressed, and 100% lost in life. I’ve been back in California for almost two months now and things are not going as I had planned. Worse than that it seems like all the progress and promises I made on myself and to myself have gone out the window. When I left Hawaii, I still had a lot of work to do on myself to get to who I want to be and where I want to be, but I also felt like I had made a lot of progress and somewhat mapped out and set myself on a pretty clear…

  • Life

    My First Month Back in California

    Today marks exactly one month back in California for m and I must admit, this has not been the homecoming I had been dreaming of. It barely feels like I have been home that long, yet, at the same time it feels like I haven’t lived in Hawaii for years. I had big dreams coming home. Originally my husband and I had major road trip plans. We wanted to spend weeks on the road, living out of our car and exploring places like Joshua Tree and Zion. After my mom’s stroke, I knew that probably wouldn’t happen, but still I dreamed of days filled with hikes, friends, and fun. Instead…

  • The Other Stuff

    Strength – A Decision Not a Trait

    For what seems like forever, people have been telling me how strong I am. From family members to friends, strangers, counselors, co-workers, and even therapists. It seems like anyone who gets a look into the chaos that is my life, at one point or another, will tell me, “you are so strong!” “I wish I had your strength.” or something else along those lines. Despite how many times I have heard that I am here to confess, I am not strong. I have simply decided to be strong in the face of all the things life has thrown at me. Time and time again I have decided to swallow my fear,…