Summer is here and I’m working on it

Friday marked the official end of spring and beginning of summer. That means it’s been three months since I wrote my springtime blog post and I figured it was time for an update.

As I predicted at the end of my spring post, I am still a mess. In some ways, I’m still the same mess and in other ways, I am a new mess. I’m still working on many of the same things I was three months ago, but have fixed many of them and made progress on others. I’m still a mess, but as I hoped, I am a slightly happier mess.

Since my springtime post, my husband and I have moved out on our own again, which definitely helped things. Although, since neither one of us has found employment yet, it did increase my financial stress, but it helped me start to feel normal again. Being on our own again meant I was able to once again be in full control of my own schedule. My sleeping and eating habits have greatly improved, and, for the most part, I’ve been able to get myself back on a regular daily schedule that helps me stay more productive and focused.

As I just briefly mentioned, I’m still unemployed. I’m now approaching my sixth month back in California with still no serious job prospects and my unemployment benefits quickly coming to an end. Over the last few weeks this has definitely been wearing on me and I’ve seen a clear spike in my stress and anxiety, but I’m trying my best to stay positive. Although I haven’t found work yet, I have started getting many more interviews and, despite not being offered the positions, I’ve gotten overall positive feedback from nearly everyone I’ve met with. Fingers crossed, something will come along soon.

I’m still fat, but I don’t hate myself for it, as much, anymore. I’ve started to accept how I look and how I got here. I have accepted my bad habits that got me here and I’m working every day to fix them. I realize I need to eat better and work out more. I’ve accepted that I’m nearing 30 and that my body has changed and is changing and that it’s not going to be as easy as it was five years ago to slim down. Although I still need to get much better, I’ve started changing the way I eat and workout and week by week I’m seeing that scale scoot and my clothes fit better.

I still struggle with putting my needs first, (although I am proud to admit basic self care has returned fully) but I am able once again to not only see myself spiraling, I’m able to stop it, most of the time. I still have the urge to find a solution to every problem that pops up, but I am getting better at accepting that a lot of it is out of my hands. I’m getting better at accepting that many of the problems I face right now don’t have a solution right now and that I have to give them time.

My stress and anxiety is still much worse than it was in Hawaii and I still have panic attacks more than I would like to admit, but I can see the progress I’m making. Although I do sometimes struggle to sleep at night, my hair is still thinning and every once in a while I’ll start to grind my teeth, I feel much better now than I did three months ago. I’m getting better at speaking up when I feel overwhelmed and much better at pausing when I feel out of control.

At the end of my springtime post, I made a few promises to myself, that I have to admit, I didn’t do a great job keeping –

• Start working out regularly, at least 3-4 times a week (considering doing another 30 day hula hoop challenge) – I’ve started working out semi-regularly. I have my good and bad weeks, but I haven’t consistently kept it up. I did start hiking again though.
• Start walking again, at least 5 times a week – This I was doing better on and it was partially for my dog’s health, but Tickle just got diagnosed with severe arthritis so the dog walking is sort of out of the question now.
• Post something new here, on this blog once a week, at a minimum – I was doing great on this until the last two weeks. Two weeks ago I missed posting anything and then last week I was supposed to post twice but ran out of time. Despite that, I’d say this was a win for me.
• Read one book a month, starting in April – This was 100% a fail. I read for about a week.
• Start making my own personal needs a priority – This is and will always be an ongoing struggle for me, but I’m getting better.
• Start believing in myself and my own personal projects again…at least trying, we all know my self-esteem has a long way to go – Please see my last bullet =)

Although I didn’t do a great job keeping my promises to myself last season, they were always in the back of my mind. Without them, I don’t think I would have done half as well as I did so here I my promises for summer. (They will look very similar.)

• Start working out regularly, at least 3-4 times a week
• Start running 2-4 times a week
• Do one 30-day Hula Hoop Challenge
• Hike twice a month, minimum
• Post something new here, on this blog, once a week, at a minimum
• Start one new passion project
• Read one book a month, starting in July
• Start making my own personal needs a priority
• Start believing in myself and my own personal projects again…at least trying, we all know my self-esteem has a long way to go.

Here’s to a hopeful, relaxing, and productive summer!