Reminder to Believe in Myself

Today marks five years exactly since I got on a plane and moved to Hawaii. I’ve talked about that experience many times on this blog, but today’s anniversary hit different. Today’s anniversary was a perfectly timed message from the universe. Today reminded me that I’m amazing and I can accomplish impossible things. And I really needed that.

I’ve done an ok job of staying positive and productive and sane during this crazy year. And I’ve openly had my share of struggles as well. But the last few weeks have been increasingly difficult and stressful. I’ve been holding it all in pretty well, staying optimistic and treading forward on the outside, but deep down I’ve been scared and uncertain. My anxiety has increased and I’ve felt downright lost.

I lost out on an amazing job opportunity because I was deep into the interview process for a dream opportunity, which I didn’t get either. (The first offer was revoked before my deadline to accept and I was runner up for my dream position.) Then my unemployment ran out. Then, I had a small pick me up because I started, for the first time in a long time, finally getting hits for consistent contracted freelance work. Well, one ghosted me, one rejected me, and one is still pending.

I always tell myself that everything happens for a reason and everything will work out, but that started to get hard.

I started doubting whether I was doing the right thing, holding out for the right job opportunity. I started questioning whether it was irrational of me to think I am valuable enough and talented enough to expect to find work that makes me happy, or at least doesn’t drive me insane. I started having thoughts like, “does anyone really like their job?” or “is anyone really happy with where they ended up?”

I started thinking things like my dreams, my wishes and my goals were too big. Too impossible. Just downright unrealistic.

I started questioning whether I should be trusting my gut and my intuition. (I’ll be honest here, if you read my last post it’s pretty clear I’m not really 100% sure what I want out of the future, but I do have some standards and a framework of an idea in place and for the most part I’ve been trusting that it will all work out and I will recognize the right opportunities when they come along.) I started wondering if it was wrong to be more concerned with my happiness and long term goals, rather than the right now.

Then Facebook memories reminded me what today is. Today marked the five year anniversary of when I got on a plane (for the first time) with no money, no job, a four-week Airbnb, and no plan. Today marked the day I was scared out of my mind but jumped anyway and it was the best thing I have ever done.

My life changed forever the minute I stepped on that plane. The past five years have given me some of the best memories of my life. I changed and grew in so many amazing ways that I never could have, had I never got on that plane. Moving to Hawaii gave me so many unbelievable experiences. I tried new things, I made new friends, but most of all I survived.

Today marks the anniversary of one of the biggest turning points in my life, but it also is a reminder of everything I am capable of.

I did things before Hawaii. I graduated high school. I graduated college. I lived through my dad’s illness and death. I made friends and lost friends. I had my share of personal struggles and family drama. I volunteered and worked for some pretty cool things like the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life and The Newport Beach Film Festival. I tried new food, explored new places, and went to fun events.

My life wasn’t boring. My life wasn’t easy.

I struggled and stressed out. I got scared and felt lost.

But I never voluntarily left my comfort zone. At times things were hard, but for the most part, they were things completely out of my control. I had no choice during the hard times. I had to work through them. And when it came to school, I pushed myself and succeeded, but school has always been my thing. School has always made me happy and really a lot of the time it was a welcomed distraction from other things. The places I worked at and volunteered at, were at times scary, but most of the time I had a support system, people with me, helping me succeed. The new food, new places and fun events were still all in my metaphorical backyard. Besides the occasional trip to Bullhead, Scipio, or San Diego, I pretty much stayed within a 50-mile radius of my home.

Hawaii though was a whole other situation. It was a challenge and something scary that I didn’t have to do. It would have been a lot easier to stay in California, home, where I knew everyone and everything. Or to stay in Utah where I had my mom and a fun job.

Hawaii was me choosing the hard thing. The scary thing. The impossible thing. Hawaii was me choosing something for myself and only myself for the first time. And it worked.

I made it.

I survived.

I thrived.

And I did it all myself for myself.

I was amazing. I am amazing and I can do amazing things. Hawaii is proof of that.

My time in Hawaii is proof to my friends, my family, the world, and most importantly myself, that if I put my mind to something I can do it. I can accomplish great things, hard things, scary things, anything if I really want to. I can make my dreams a reality and I can have everything I want, no matter how hard or how scary. I just have to believe in myself.