Phone Calls

I just want to pick up the phone and give you a call. I want to tell you about how bored I am today. I want to tell you about the bad dreams I’ve been having. I want to tell you about the new restaurant I tried last weekend and all the things I have planned this weekend. I want to tell you about how stressful this move is. I want to tell you how hard everything has been lately. I just want to talk to you.

After my dad passed away my mom and I had a pretty strained relationship. It wasn’t until she moved to Utah that things started to get better. During the three months I spent living with her in Utah our relationship really turned around, but it wasn’t until I moved to Hawaii that our relationship really took shape.

Over the past three years, my mom has become pretty much my best friend. Besides maybe a day or two, here and there, I talked to my mom every single day, sometimes, oftentimes, more. I would talk to her while I walked to work from the bus stop and I’d call and tell her goodnight as I walked home. When I had the chance I’d usually call just to say hi or leave a nice message for her on my lunch break. On the weekends I’d try to catch her in the morning while I made breakfast, just so I could hear her voice.

When I was unemployed, this time last year, and the days would feel so long, and I’d get so bored I’d call my mom just to talk about anything. When my husband worked nights or weekends and I’d start to get lonely, I’d call my mom so I wouldn’t feel so alone. Whether I was sad or scared or stressed or angry or sick in bed, my mom was who I would call to make it all feel better.

I haven’t been able to call my mom for almost two months now and it’s really starting to get to me.

My mom had a stroke two months ago and she’s doing well. She’s recovering and making a lot of progress every day. When it happened she couldn’t walk or use her right side at all and that has all pretty much come back. Her speech, however, that’s taking longer than I anticipated. She can say a few words and it is improving little by little every day, but she still has a long way to go.

It wasn’t so hard for me when I was in Utah and California with my mom. I still desperately wanted her to be able to talk to me like she used to, but at least I was there with her. I could see her and hug her and I could talk to her and we could somewhat communicate. Coming back to Hawaii was so hard and the distance has made not being able to talk even harder. When my family goes to visit they will sometimes video chat me with my mom or call and put me on speaker and that helps, but it’s just not the same.

The night before my mom had her stroke I had to work late. Because of the time difference, I knew my mom had probably already fallen asleep, but she’s also sometimes a night owl. I called her and she picked up. I could tell my call woke her, even though she said it didn’t and that she was just getting ready for bed. I apologized and told her I was so sorry I had worked so late, she had called while I was still working and I told her I would call her when I got off. She told me not to worry and that it was ok. I told her I was free to talk as much as she wanted now. I wanted to make up for not being able to talk earlier and I felt bad that we really hadn’t talked much over the past few days. She told me not to worry about it. Then said she loved me and we would talk in the morning.

That was the last time we spoke on the phone. And I’m still waiting for my morning talk.